she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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