HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
