So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
