I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
