Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
