the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
