i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
