I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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