I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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