Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just found a bag of teeth...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
