i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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