Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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