you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
