I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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