Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
