Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
