My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
