Who wears a wallet chain?!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
