mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
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