I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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