My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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