I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
