now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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