you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
