I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
