i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
