i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm way too hungover for life right now
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
