i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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