How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
