Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
