At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
