I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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