Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
