You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
