First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
