he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
