Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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