Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
