I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My life is pants optional.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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