Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
