I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
