I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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