lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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