I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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