i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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