I think I died a long time ago.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
