I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
