His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
