im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
