i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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