The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
