Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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