I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
