Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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