at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
