my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
