Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
