Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
