I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
